Subscribers my site has moved!

To all my subscribers thanks so much for following me!!! I have now changed to wordpress and y'all can follow me from there! Thanks so much always reading my stuff =) Hope to see you on the new site!

www.ChickenAndKetchup.com

#103: 1st Place, goes to ME!

So I NEVER win first place. Never. That is until now. And you know what, so what if it's first in picking up brown paper bags with your mouth in under a minute, but the fact is, I won. And I never win.

This post is just to say - finally. FINALLY. I'm good at something. Here's a video.


**Yes, I had an Alfalfa hairdo, and yes, I know my legs are freaking pale (haha, I know someone will text me in a bit and point it out), I haven't seen sun in awhile and it wasn't very sunny this weekend.


PS: I have a few more awkward stories from this weekend.  I really thought it would be nearly impossible to find myself in really awkward situations a Buddhist center in the middle of nowhere nestled in 500 acres of land.  But I did.... to be continued tomorrow!

PSS: I had the BEST team/campers, and the the best assistant counselor and co-counselor!

#102: Goodbye Social Media...

Yes, I am taking a hiatus from being on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, etc. and going to live an ascetic life....

For the next 4 days that is.

Haha, gotcha!

After this post, everything will be going dark for me until I return to civilization on Monday evening.

What am I doing? I will be a Camp Counselor at a Buddhist camp for kids this weekend - I know, SCARY...me handling 10-17 year olds?!  Yes, I know, everyone has told me it should be the other way around.  Thanks for the faith y'all...uh, I really appreciate it.

This is something that I need very much and am very excited about.  365. That's all I have to say, 365.  For those of you who know what I'm talking about it's been a badass adventure for the last 365 days of my life, yet also the most frustrating as well (uhhh yea, see Blog #86 for details).

In a few hours I will eat my last meal with meat and will embark in the unknown...the minds of teens and tweens....!  I'm sure I'll get a lot of funny stories out of this one. =D.

Until then, peace out and everyone enjoy your Fourth of July!

#101: Stop the Duckface Photos! AHHHH!!!!

People...ok, more like ladies...

Ladies, I beg you, please stop all the DUCKFACE pictures! It's really driving me crazy...I don't get it, it's not that cute - it's like Allergic Reaction meets Botox (eyebrows are often lifted in the pics)..., and I'm sure often times that goes along with someone else's fist in your face.

When I first saw someone's duckface photos back in the Myspace era, I thought it was pretty funny trying to imitate Adrienna Lima, Angelina Jolie, (i.e. ladies with a full lip) etc.  But now, it's an epidemic, and it won't stop...I try to avoid it...but it somehow keeps creeping up on me....

AHHHHH!!!

Well, there's an Anti-Duckface website already established called...you guessed it www.antiduckface.com

So on the real, I Googled the following: What was duckface origin?


...and here's what I found.
A. Inspired by Zoolander
B. Early symptoms of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis


And to expand on letter B because I was curious, here's an excerpt from a blogger on KnowYourMeme.com


Apparently, this is the expression made when girls hold cameras in front of themselves. It may be an involuntary response, as the combination of elevated, extended arm and tense forefinger on the shutter button may lead to tightened facial muscles. Occasionally, it may appear that the females photographed are, in fact, not holding the camera. In these instances, any hands pictured are likely to still exhibit the traits noted above (raised above shoulders, fingers tensed and/or flexed, see immediately below). It may also be a symptom of the most widespread epidemic of early amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

#100: Thank you Video Mashup

As you probably saw on my Facebook, I have been writing and deleting for days straight trying to get the perfect 100th Blog.  I stayed up til nearly 3am last night trying to figure out how amusing I could make it or how offensive I could turn it into, but in the end, it just wasn't right.  So as I was searching for something to hit me, I realized that I had quite a few video clips that had never surfaced before within these last few months.

So I decided to just put it all randomly together. A mashup as you may call it.

This post is to say Thank You.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be a part of your life...these last 100 posts have taught me so much, but what I really learned from this experience so far is that it all boils down to the relationships we built and the memories we all have with one another. 
With that said, here's my video...it reminds me a lot of "The Wonder Years":



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFebopv_sMw

#99: Pretend-tious

(Pretend)tious

That is all.

#98: Premature....100th Blog Celebration

So the word Premature has a lot of negative connotations - take the following for some examples:

However, one thing I know for sure that isn't negative is Tawn's 100th Blog Premature Party.  So I haven't really written 100 blogs yet, but this is #98...close enough to celebrate right? Yes, it is.  Plus, next week is July 4th anyway and I'll be spending it alcohol free as I will be a Camp Counselor in Hempstead, Texas.  

Here's your chance people to come out and celebrate with me at Zimm's Martini and Wine Bar (4321 Montrose Blvd.) at 11pm on Sat. 6/26/2010!!  Don't know if we'll stay there the whole time, but I sure in hell will be starting my night off there.

#97: Later Victoria's Secret, Wasup FOL

I'll give props where props are due.  Victoria's Secret has revolutionized the way society sees lingerie/foundation.

So now I have that out of the way, here's what I want to say/show:

Yes, I'm saying f-you overpriced panties, and hello to low cost ones that I can find at Walmart!

Screw the usual retail mall's promo of 4 panties for $20, when I can get 3 for $5!

I'm just tired of over paying for these foundations at the mall, they're expensive and seriously, no one gives a crap about what they look like. Your crap doesn't even give a crap. Skid mark all you want, it's only like $1.

#96: Ken Doll's Dating Tip

#95: What He Says, What He REALLY Means

Man, apparentally my blog about Break Ups (see Blog #93) was a big nerve-hitter-upper. I got a lot of pretty good feedback from my friends and readers and it sparked up some really cool dialogue. So, with that, I'll just continue on this "relationship" track and talk about "what he says...and what he really means..."

Background
I don't know about y'all, but deep down, I really know what a guy means when he does/doesn't do certain things. However, for whatever reason, I always refuse to believe what I know and then I have to rely on a blunt friend to step in and say, "Tawn, look, this is what it is." 

And of course, that sliver of hope just goes away immediately, I stop re-analyzing things over for the 100th time, and I continue on with my life. 

Oh yea, and a little insight for you fellows - girls do NOT have it simple either.  Y'all boys act like we gals have never been rejected. *Waves hand, points at herself* I have and I know the feeling. 

Here's my rule (and it applies to the fellows as well so if you're trying to holler at someone, please read this first).

You've heard of Rule of 3 - well, I call this the Rule of 2

Rule of 2

1. Ask her out.

If she has an excuse the first time as to why she can't go out with you. Chances are she ain't into you, BUT go ahead and give her the benefit of the doubt the first time around because she could legitimately be busy.

2. Ask her out again. 

If this time she throws out another excuse, it's game over for you.  If she was into you, she would've given you an alternative date because she wanted to see you.

That's a rule that I have for myself if I ever asked a guy out. Trust me, if there was a club for Rejects, I would belong to that club and I would be its Rookie of the Year.  But here's the upside to this whole thing, why would you want to date someone who doesn't like or is attracted to you? 

What he Says, What he Really Means

So here goes the main point of the Blog - this is actually taken from eHarmony's Advice Column. I went ahead and condensed it because I hate reading all of it.  But if you do here's the website: http://advice.eharmony.com/article/dating-men-when-he-says-x-he-means-y.html

1. “I’d love to come in, but I have to get up early tomorrow.”

Really means one of these two options:

• 99% - “I don’t feel great chemistry with you.”
• 1% - “I’m dog tired and I have to get up early.”


2. “What did you do this past weekend?”
Really Means - “Do you have a life? Do you have friends or are you looking for me to provide all your entertainment?”


3. “I need some space.” Tawn's Stamp of Experience, I've heard this one.
Really means one of these two options:

• 98% - “I need a new girlfriend.”
• 2% - “I think I might need a new girlfriend, and I need some distance so I can decide for sure.”


4. “I had a nice time. I’ll give you a call.” 
Really Means - “The time we spent together was not unpleasant, and I don’t really know how to say goodnight without telling you I’ll call. I might call you, but don’t hold your breath.”


5. “Yes, I’m interested in a serious relationship.”
Really Means - “I’m carefully assessing every woman I meet, and when I find one that feels just right. I’ll marry her.”


6. “You’re beautiful.”
Really Means - “You’re really beautiful.”


7. “It’s not you, It’s me.”
Really Means - “I’m doing the dumping, so technically it is me, not you. But I’m breaking up because I just don’t feel it for you. I’m sure you don’t want a personality critique so this is an easier way to end it.”


8. “She’s just an old friend.”
Really means one of these two options:
• 98% “She’s someone I used to date.”
• 2% “I once made a move on her and she wasn’t interested.”


9. “Work is crazy right now. I just don’t have time for a relationship.”
Really Means - “I’m not interested in a relationship with you.”


10. “I’m not interested in anything serious. I just want to have fun.”
Really Means - “I just want to have a physical relationship.”

#94: My Mom's Creepy Drawings

Most Moms like to send little cute messages to their kids when they pack their lunch. Not my Mom - she likes to label things and draw really creepy smiley faces.  It's like Walmart meets Frankenstein. See below.

I went to visit the parents this past weekend, and my Mom gave me PLENTY of yummy Viet food to take back to eat, and when I opened up the bag where she placed all of my to-go food, this is what I found.

Little small, creepy smiley faces that stared back at me. I couldn't help but crack up.

#93: Tis the Breakup Season

Tis the summer time, and you know what that means? Sun, vacation, Grease-like-summer-night-flings-because-pheromones-are-at-an-all-time-high, and, oh wait, breakups.  Sorry to break it to you people but since this is the season where you don't have to buy/receive presents or feel obligated to be with someone, it makes it the perfect time to break ties.

I don't know why I'm sitting here right now writing about breakups, but I think I've heard enough from my girlfriends within the last couple of weeks that I feel as though I should impart some of my "knowledge" onto you.  

I'm not going to lie, I was that girl who slept in bed all day, missed more work than normal, lost 1 pound each day for 14 days straight, had to buy Preparation H to put on my eyes because they were puffy all the time, sat in bed and waited til my roommate came home so I could cry my eyes out, and then was really mean to her because she made me eat (sorry, Esme, I love you!), and then weeks later found out more info that just stabbed me right in the heart and left me wanting to pull a Carrie Underwood/Jazmine Sullivan...you know the drill.  If you've ever seen a friend (or you yourself have gone through it) it's an ugly ugly ugly event.

(PS: No, I never received an apology.)

But anyway, I digressed.  The point of this post is to let you know that no one ever died of a broken heart.  Well, maybe some people killed themselves because of one, but I sure hope that ain't the case because there's so much of life to enjoy...like watching more Youtube videos and seeing what else Betty White has to offer.

Plus, I met this awesome person (Linda) who recommended this book to me a while ago and I thought that this was one of the best gift I've ever given myself - "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken." It's also been passed around to some of my girls who thoroughly enjoyed it. And the cool thing is that it was written by the guy who wrote, "He's Just Not That Into You." 

So...with this in mind...here's my advice/book's advice.

1. "But he was my best friend." Yea, so was the little girl who had boogers coming out of her nose when I was in 1st Grade...I'm not friends with her anymore.
2. Alcohol + Phone = DANGER. Alcohol + Text = DANGER. Alcohol + Camera Phone = All over the Internet.  Thus, DELETE the number.
3. He's not hiding at the bottom of that Pint of Icecream.
4. Keep your integrity intact. Word gets around...if you go psycho, chances are that everyone else will know too.  Shiet, especially being Vietnamese, I'm already prone to the stereotype of being crazy. I'm really not.  Do what I did, write your psycho thoughts down and then destroy it, or tell your psycho thoughts to your friend.  It really makes you feel better.
5. Pickup a new hobby.  I actually picked up 2 (including writing again), and have found a new love for both of them.
6. Friends are great. Lean on them, but you're only allowed about 60 days to talk about him/her otherwise you risk losing your friends if that's who you ever talk about.  Granted...I did have a shrink to talk to which helped.
7. Burn party. Those are fun =).  From my conversations with my guy friends, apparently guys do this a LOT more than girls..odd. But nevertheless, a good thing.

I think that's all I got for now...I have a few more.  But DO read that book, it is freakin hilarious!

#92: Ghost Riding my Whip

Yes, I did. I ghost rode my whip...on TOP of a parking garage. =)  Kids, don't try this at home.

It actually took 2 tries to finally film it - the first time I was chasing my car because I didn't anticipate how fast it would go on Drive.  But here it is!

#91: Wisdom/Advice by a 26 Year Old Female

• To eliminate cleaning your bathtub as often, always keep a scrubber in your tub. I'm all about efficiency: washing your hair while walking around with the scrubber underneath your foot kills a lot of time...and grime.
• Tuna pasta salad is the way to go, or rice with some type of meat I can season real quick and throw on a pan. I choose not to cook most of the time because it wastes time and energy. Use your energy elsewhere.
• Quaker Oats is badass.  For $4, you can have a hearty breakfast for about 2 months.
• Never take your Mother's relationship advice because she'll always have the last word in no matter how crazy her advices are, and it usually goes something like this, "and THAT is why you're still single!" Seriously? There's no correlation, but it makes a good jab in the face.
• If you live in an apartment like I do, make sure you keep your voice down, I hate waking up in the middle of the night to my neighbor saying, "Get the Fuck out of my house you bitch!!! I fucking hate you!"  It really makes me uncomfortable when I walk down stairs and I see you next to your girl.
• Speaking of which, it does provide my roommate and I some type of CSI entertainment as we both get down on our floor and place our ears on the carpet to make sure he's not beating her up.  I don't think he has yet because we haven't heard her get punched.
• When a girl ignores you, she probably isn't interested. So get over it and move on to someone who cares enough.
• When a guy ignores you, he probably isn't interested. So get over it and move on to someone who cares enough.
• Life is super short, so hang out with people you actually like.  
• No matter how much your parents pissed you off, they're always going to be the one that will take you in.  And with my Mother, she will allow me to sit in a fetal position in her lap for a short amount of time before she throws me off because I'm too heavy for her 5'1" frame. LOL.

#90: Love by Chris Rock

#89: Hug Rejection and other Awkward Stories

First Part - Vlog about how I got rejected from a hug today.

Second Part - 

Speaking of socially awkward, I think Charlyne Yi, Michael Cera, Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, etc. are awesome and are pretty easy to relate to...except that they make money/bank on being themselves... what a career.

Here's a funny YouTube of Dirty Dancing by Channing Tatum and Charlyne Yi...it cracks me up lol.

#88: ChickenAndKetchup.com

I've always wanted my own domain name...ever since, well, ever since the internet was invented by Al Gore.  And last Sunday, I did just that, I bought my own domain name:

ChickenandKetchup.com

Now a lot of people have asked why on Earth did I do that, and the answer is simple - it's because I could. That's pretty much it.  

And after that purchase, I started thinking about how I would utilize that site and it dawned on me that I should get the opinions of my friends, fellow bloggers, and readers.  Obviously, some of the ideas that one of my friends suggested ain't going to fly, like making it a porn site.  That just sounds gross when it comes to chickenandketchup....the imagery...you get the picture.

I know for a fact that ChickenAndKetchup.com will be the continuation of this current blog (if you type in chickenandketchup.com, it'll drive it back here), but I wanted to make this site a bit more robust.  So I'm putting it out here to my readers...

What type of content would YOU like to see from ChickenAndKetchup.com?

Here are some ideas that I have:
- Have funny contributing writers each week
- Funny local videos
- Calendar of events
....

Please comment on this post with some of your ideas. Thanks! =)

#87: Mascara and Memorial Park Part 2

My sister posted this on my Facebook page yesterday.  Every time I watch it, I catch something else to laugh about.  Watch, you won't be disappointed, LOL.


Memorial Park Part 2
Everyone knows, especially my roommate Esme, that I HATE to run. But because I was going to be late to my class and needed to get a workout in before another busy week, I decided that it was now or never when it came to working out this week. So I put on my running shoes and hit the damn trail for the second time this year.

But to my surprise, I found it a bit more pleasant...and amusing.  Here's what I saw on the trail as I attempted to run (I actually walked the last half of it...fail):

• Male Tramp Stamp -As I walked behind this young man, he took off his shirt, and, thus, revealed a tattoo on his lower back...aka a male version of a tramp stamp.  It looked like a tribal butterfly at first glance, but then I sped walked as close as I could to examine it, and it still looked like a butterfly to me...but I guess I can see where it looks like a scorpion.
• Funny Runners - Some people just run funny, that is all. Especially those pigeon toed ones. I just giggle.   Hey, I run funny too, I drag my feet because I have flat feet (see blog #-2, yes, that's before I started numbering them for easier reference).
• Undercover Shoe Sellers - as I walked by this SUV I noticed about 20 pairs of athletic shoes perfectly lined up in his car...LOL. I'll take one for $30.

#86: No $ex = "Twin Bed" Song

Rated: PG-13 - viewer's discretion is advised (don't worry, it's safe enough to view at work)

If y'all didn't show up to Rogue Improv tonight, you missed out on some amazing standup! We laughed, we cried laughing, and we gasped.  And per usual, we ended with a longform improv. Thank you to EVERYONE who came out.

Also, I performed my newest song, "Twin Bed (aka No $ex)" tonight for the first time. Hope y'all enjoy the video, messups included.



Lyrics:
Wake up on the morning on my twin size bed


My feet hangs off, I cannot see

A shitty way to wake up

Before I leave take a look at my childhood bed,

No wonder I get no ass because of its size



Twin Bed, I love you

You always keep me single

Twin bed, I give up

It’s just you and me tonight

Twin Bed, 26

He sees my bed and he says…NooOoOO, NooOOo



Ain’t got a big girls bed, but I got plenty of beer

Ain’t got no money in my pockets, that’s why I still sleep there

Sometimes the dudes are lining up because they think I have swagger,

But then they see my bed and say sayonara!

Twin Bed, I love you

You always keep me single

Twin bed, I give up

It’s just you and me tonight

Twin Bed, 26

He sees my bed and he says…NooOoOO, NooOOo

#85: LIVE Blog - be a part of it! ROGUE IMPROV

Dun dun dun... my everyday experiences and thoughts are often written in this blog, but what if I can take it LIVE and include my readers?!

We will call it a LLOG!

Be a part of Tawn's LLOG

RogueImprov.com

And tomorrow is your chance to be there with some of the funniest people in Houston - ROGUE IMPROV.  We will have an open mic night at Avant Garden for the very first time, and then will follow it up with what you see us do every week on stage - good ole longform improv.

#84: Warning: Yellow Fever, Please don't.

**this post contains my hand drawn stick figures, hope y'all like it (I've had a lot of request to illustrate my blogs)**

What's the biggest turn-off?  Guys who have Asian Fetish, aka Yellow Fever.  Some may find it endearing, I, on the other hand, do not like it.  For some reason, when guys who have symptoms of what is known to be Yellow Fever, I can somehow see their thought bubble right in front of me.

Is it because of all the Asian porns they've been watching? I don't know, but whatever it is, I don't like it. Anyway, back to my story...

So I'm in Austin this weekend, and our group went to Rabbit's in East 6th to see Brenda's friend's band play.  Anyway, it's a cute outdoor venue and we grab a table to enjoy the jazzy/blues/contemporary music.  After they're done playing, Ferrell goes over to the band and starts talking to them.  Of course, I'm trying to wave Ferrell down so that he can come over and hangout/drink with us when he's done.  Mind you, Ferrell is at least 15 yards away, and I can't really scream so I start being silly and do my SOS wave.

However, my SOS signal got misinterpreted by the guy that is sitting at a table in front of Ferrell.  He thought I was motioning him over to talk to me, and after I suddenly realized this happened, this white dude (we'll call him Undergraduate Asian Studies, you'll see as you read as to why I named him this) walks over and says in a confident and manly voice:

"Hi there. So you couldn't have just walked over and said hi?"

And of course, I responded:

"Actually, I was waving to him {pointed to Ferrell, who was walking up behind him}."

UAS: "Oh, well, this is embarrassing."

And true to form, my good friend Ferrell says (knowing ALL too well that this whole scene will later on be used for their entertainment):

"What is your name? Why don't you join us!!!"

Freaking Ferrell...I swear.  So I slapped on a smile because I didn't want to seem rude to this guy who was already embarrassed at the fact that he misinterpreted my SOS wave, and of course he sat down next to me.

Here's a quick play by play:

Me: So what do you do?

UAS: I'm an undergrad student at UT, actually, I'll be graduating next semester

Me: (umm...first he's already too young) oh, ok. That's cool.  What are you studying?

UAS: Asian Studies

Me: (uh o, already a sign that I don't really like). Oh, I see, that's cool. I was Asian American Studies and Marketing.

UAS: Cool.

And then the conversation kind of went downhill from there with him saying the following:

• So how do you feel about being a 2nd Generation Asian American.
• Traditional culture versus new age ever changing culture.
• I like Asian culture I find it fascinating.
• My thoughts at the moment - Dude, I just want to enjoy my beer and bullshit with my friends, not talk about a dissertation you're about to write.  I have no interest in that at this moment. Stop trying to relate to me by pulling in all of your 5 page, double spaced Asian Studies essays you've ever written to try to relate to me because I don't want to talk about it.  Let me pull out my higher education, vocab for what we call this entire scenario on your assumptions about me: exoticism. 

And I attempted to say the dumbest things I could think of because I didn't want to talk anymore.

And then....it went on to this:

• Where are you from? Houston? Oh, I'm from there, I hate it there. You look like you're from Austin.
• So what do you look for in a guy? Humor? That's so generic.
• What do you think I look for in a girl?
• My thoughts: Does it matter what I think? I just want to drink my beer.... I'm going to hit Ferrell.

On to randomness: here's a funny image from Rabbit's.  Interpret as you please.

#83: I will give you the Bird!...kinda...

I'm passive aggressive, non-confrontational, yet at the same time, I have a really short temper.

Not a great combination if you ask me.

Take for example, my driving.  I literally flick people off every day I drive, but you'll never see me actually doing it.  That is, if you're in the car next to me. Secretly, I'm flicking you off under my car's steering wheel because I sure don't want to piss off the wrong person who might shoot me.  Hey, it's Houston, it can happen!

Yea, that's all I have to say for today. I'm a wuss.

#82: Cosmetic surgery - What did you say to me?!

Here are some tidbits about me if you don't already know me:

1. I'm normally out and about and get to meet really unique folks randomly.

2. I'm small busted (See Blog #31). C'mon people, it's no secret.

So this weekend, a friend comes over to me while I was out and about and said, "Tawn, you need to meet this person, this could be an opportunity for us to form a business partnership, and we could possibly get some type of funding, because XYZ hapened last time...yada yada yada."

I agreed, and the introductions started.

Because of all the noise in the background, I only caught a few words here and there, but the gist of the conversation was that he was a plastic surgeon here in Houston who has his own practice (good for him and I'm definitely not taking anything away from a man being an entrepreneur and making his greens). 

Anyhoo, the last line that I heard was, "Ya, so you should definitely stop by my office sometimes."

ERRR?! What did he just say? (My head was filled with all these thoughts - that weren't really nice to say aloud).

So I said out loud (and apparently it was loud enough where my friend even heard me say it), and I quote...

"Stop by your office? And do what?! Say hi?" 

And that my friend, was the end of that conversation.  I wasn't going to continue a conversation with a man that just invited me into his office for a visit - ain't no permanent marker going to be marking me up with lines and hashes.

The end.



Anyhoo, half of this blog would probably need to be transitioned into the other blog that I write (which I barely write...sorry!!), Stories by Tawn.

I really love Dove's Beauty Campaign, and the first Youtube really hit home because I know many of us went through/continue to go through it.

Blog #81: The Cops, Again...

I swear, I'm 5 for 5 now.  Each month, I've encounter cops one way or another...and right now, I am sitting in my room waiting for HPD to come.

So I rolled home about 30 minutes (I'm probably going to publish this WAY after I wrote it) ago and couldn't find my usual parking so I parked a little bit further than normal and noticed that the wheels were missing from this nice luxury car parked next to me.  Which I thought was odd since it was perched on 2 bricks.  And of course nosy me goes to the other side of the car and noticed that the other side of wheels were missing.

With that being said, there are only 2 scenarios I could see...
A) Someone stole their wheels because it's a nice car
B) The owner is fixing his/her wheels and took it all off and I might look like a dumbass reporting it to the police.

Hence...the internal debate started and I tweeted about it because that's quite a walk that I have to take to my apartment and if I get mugged or killed...at least I tweeted about it and everyone knows my situation instead of my dialing 911 where no one would know what had happened to me if a bad person snatched me away? Ya, my logic is pretty screwed up.

And now I am sitting in my room waiting for the police to call for me to come downstairs and report it. I'm sleepy...I'm going to sleep, they have my number.

To be continued...

Vlog #80: "Facebook Stalker" (Tune of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga)

So here we are again for another Vlog my friends.  I hope y'all enjoy =D






Lyrics:
We loggin in
We s-searching you
Got my mouse on your pic
Need to Like your status
It's so magical
Staring at your Facebook Wall

Photos of you
Are you still single?
Can't find that info
But the photos I see
Who the hell is she?!
Going to her Facebook Page

I'm your biggest fan
I will friend you until you love me
Facebook, Facebook Stalker
Baby I'll read up on your info
You know that I'll be your
Facebook, Facebook Stalker

You will never know
I check up on you and your wall comments
Baby I bookmarked you
Check you out on the daily
Facebook, Facebook Stalker

#79: Why Men Should Pay on a Date

Ok, I was going to write something about it, but then I watched Ali Wong's piece (an awesome Asian American Comedian) and thought I'd just post up her stuff because it explains everything.

"Oh my gosh, Tawn, this post is so fucked up!" Yea, it is...and what?

Boys, watch and learn (and be afraid!).

#78: Do NOT Wear White Bras!...

Ladies, unless you're purposely trying to show off your neat colored bras underneath a white/light colored shirt, do NOT, and I repeat do NOT think that people can't see your bra when you choose to wear white on white.  See example below.

We really need to educate our women on this.  When I was in college and I worked at GAP Women (specializing in lingerie/foundation), tons of women would come in the store and say..."I just bought this beautiful white dress and need to get a white bra."

And I had to ask, "Do you want your bra to show through?"  

They replied..."Well, of course not."

So I nicely had to educate them as to why they should NOT wear white bras underneath.  Bottom line, don't do it!

Please choose a nude colored bra, and if you have darker skin, a black bra would work as well.

Now for the men.  They really need to make nude colored undershirts for guys too.  Nothing is more hilarious to me when I see a man walk in and I see his tank underneath, and if he ain't fit..damn, we can see it all.  So do us a favor Hanes, please make men tanks/undershirt in nude!!

Apparently, they say heather gray works too. Not too sure about this suggestion though...thoughts?

#77: Will Ferrell=Janet Reno as Horatio Sanz=Elena Kagan

So as I opened up my NYtimes, I saw that Elena Kagan was nominated for the 112th justice to succeed Justice John Paul Stevens, and as I looked as her picture...I had a vision.

A vision that the next parody of her will be done by former SNL alum, Horatio Sanz.  I promise, I had a slideshow of Will Ferrell as Janet Reno and Horatio Sanz as Elena Kagan ALL DAY LONG.  I couldn't help but to giggle every so often.

I know, this is terrible of me to say, but I honestly could not help but think of it!  If you saw my Twitter/FB status this morning, I've had this idea for the entire day...now I just want to show you the pictures.

Of course Fake Janet Reno vs. Real Janet Reno

Fake Elena Kagan

vs.

Real Elena Kagan.

Enjoy.

I know what you're thinking, "Oh no she didn't!!!"

Well to set the record straight..oh yes I did. 

 So here's my message to Horatio - if you do a parody of her...can you at least make a shout out to me?!  I had this tweeted and recorded on the World Wide Web.  I think I was the first person in the world to say it? Yes?!

#76: Your Mama Jokes by my Mom

First off, Happy Mother's Day to all the awesome Moms in the world!

Second, after being in Dallas for a few days and listening to their hip hop station, 97.9 The Beat,  having their callers tell "Your Mama" jokes for prizes, I decided that since my Mom is so badass, that I'll have her do the same. =)

She's such a team player.  Hey Papa Jumba, I introduce...Mama Tawn. =)

#75: How to Wipe Ass with No Toilet Paper

As I was doing usual business, I thought about this and remembered how much fun I had when I went to Vietnam back in 2004, but what made it even more funny/eye opening was the fact that the most basic things that we do in America, like going to the bathroom, is totally not the same in Vietnam...or any other rural countries/cities.

I remembered going to the bathroom for the first time, and I immediately exited because I was shocked. I whispered in my Mom's ear (here's the English translation of course), "Mom, I don't know how to wipe my ass." Of course she had to laugh at me and then proceeded to explain to me the proper way to clean.  I really wished I had a manual on this before I went in.

And of course, today, I found a manual - with pictures of course, because I only read picture books (pbase.com - Jesse Toddhunter). This was in India, but of course, the toilets we have are similar.

I hope y'all like it, because I sure did.

#74: HEB Samples

My name is Tawn, and I need to go to Samples Anonymous.

I go to HEB about 3-4 times per week, and without fail, I will go around to all the possible sample stands and eat the samples. No joke.  If I had a Sam's Card, you know I'll be all up in that ish on the weekends.

I really think at this point in time, all of the sushi workers at HEB know me by now, and although I've tried every single type of rolls they produce, I still go back and "sample" some more and pretend that I'm considering it for purchase. And up to this point in time, I have yet purchased any HEB sushi rolls.

Onto other news, I was out at the Texas Dragon Boat Festival this weekend and had a blast.  For your entertainment purposes, here's a video of me at the State Farm Booth trying to win a Foam Cowboy Hat for myself, and then almost got hit by a kid trying to throw a football. Yes, I DO throw like a girl...check out the nasty spiral on the ball.

#73: Free Range Shopping Carts - no bueno.

Free Range Chicken = Good

Free Range Shopping Carts = Not so Good

I have a bone to pick with you people and your shopping carts - especially at big places like Walmart, Target, HEB, etc.  There's this magical area that is designated for shopping carts (see image below).  It kinda looks like a corral, but you push your shopping cart in there once you finish unloading the contents from the shopping cart to your car.  It's an easy concept, but for some reason *cough laziness* people do not place their carts in there...they leave it out.

I don't get you people, I really don't, and today, I was really confused.  I saw multiple people who drove nice ass cars that didn't push their shopping carts into the cart corral when they unloaded they just left it wherever it was convenient. WTF people. Let's get it together.

See my hand drawing below.  That's what it looked like today.  I don't want to assume or anything, but are rich people too good to push their own ish?  Is it that hard?

Next thing you know, there's tons of free range shopping carts moving around.

*yes, I contradicted myself in this picture* =) This laziness doesn't result in ruining other people's vehicles or time.

#72: Upgrades

Just thought I'd dedicate this post to the upgrades in our world...

First off, the Xlerator hand dryer. What's better than a hand dryer that blows your skin so hard it looks like the waves on a beach. It's pretty badass I must say, and my hands are dried in less than 10 seconds.  Don't forget that we don't waste trees.

I like these hand dryers because they actually work.

I was listening to the radio today and I heard an ad for "Your Baby Can Read."  As early as 10 months can you teach your baby to start reading...I don't know if I really want my infant to be saying (imagine an infant talking here...use your imagination people), "Momma, you lie, the can say vegetable, you say it's fun green colors to eat."

I just don't know how I feel about this.  Remember when you were young and the teacher wanted for you to deliver a message to your parents or another teacher and they would write in cursive so that you couldn't read? Yea, that's no longer gona happen because of this upgrade.

All I have to say is this is BAD packaging. I just wouldn't buy it because it just looks...stupid.  There's too many different fonts going on and the baby...well..there's something that looks really wrong with the baby.  Oh yea, he's wearing a clipart cap on the top of his head.  You might as well have just added a graduation gown on too, but instead, you decided to cover it with a book.


Hah! You thought there would be one more upgrade picture I'd put at the end of this post.  WRONG, my friends.  If you think you know what I was thinking of putting up, you are probably correct in your thinking.

Gnite.

#71: Thank Y'all for Reading

I just wanted to dedicate this post to everyone who has encouraged me to continue blogging about my everyday experiences in "Daily Head Farts" and to thank you all for your continual support to keep on writing.


First, I want to thank Mr. Ferrell Datcher for even approaching me on the challenge of 100 Days of Writing, and although we both have not written continuously everyday for y'all to read, I believe this experience allows us to use the English language in both formal and informal ways to connect with our readers (when I say informal, I mean me because my grammar sucks).


Secondly, it was also an honor to be recognized by Davey D -  "a nationally recognized journalist, adjunct professor, Hip Hop historian, syndicated talk show host, radio programmer, producer, deejay, media and community activist" - on a post that I wrote a few weeks ago.  That was probably the first time that a post of mine have made it to the computers of his biggest fans, and I wanted to say thank you.   


And of course, a HUGE thank you to all the folks who have emailed me/messaged me/text me/called me/found another method of contacting me to let me know that you like my blog.  I really appreciate all of your kind words and the fact that I can crack a smile on your face with my stupidity and immaturity because I know as well as you do, that we all go through the same things at the end of the day and whether we know it or not, we're all connected through similar experiences.  Yes, even the awkward ones.


Thank you for allowing me to take out my frustrations and anger out on y'all on the world wide web because at the end of the day, life is humorous, life is crazy, and it's not worth putting that much energy into feeling sorry for yourself, and, thus, the creation of Daily Head Farts emerged.  This is my catharsis, and this is where I find myself saying, "fuck this, this is hilarious, and rather cry or get pissy about it, I'll laugh at it."  


Ok, and what's up with this...maybe I'm your guilty pleasure, I'm not sure, but I get a majority of the compliments when you folks are drunk. Why?! I say about 75% of my feedback comes from you drunkards...I know it's not a cool thing when you can admit and say..."I love reading your Daily Head Farts" =), I don't mind.  Kathy Griffin has her LBGTQ community, I have my drunkass community, I'll take what I can get.  I'm on the Z List, so it's all good.


I digressed, anyway, if my Mother can find life funny and enjoyable after enduring years of war, nursing and losing her Mother and Father before she turned 18, having everything she owned stolen by pirates to escape, losing her brothers, losing her first born, and being the only person in her big family who lived in America for 25 years, I sure in hell don't have anything to complain about.  Nothing.  



“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.”
 - Henry Ward Beecher


Ok, that's enough mushiness from me.


And now to complete this blog, I would like to give a huge F- YOU, to those teachers who didn't like my writing style because you know what, I don't care, and as long as I can connect through sharing my experiences with others, then I'm fine, and my words did its job.


Thank you again. And now please enjoy my dancing video that was done in San Antonio this weekend for my girl's bachelorette party! Yes, this was done with NO drinks in my system. Also, the dance move was inspired by Ferrell, the ladies you see in there are my line sisters Brenda, Jenny, and Nina. lol





     

#70: Another ticket...

At least this month I didn't get pulled over by the cops again, but I did manage to get 2 more parking violations.

Seriously, you can't park 20 feet near a crossing sidewalk?  They didn't teach this to me in drivers ed class, nor my comedy defensive driving. Next time I get pulled over by the cops, I'm going to pull the ,"I don't speaka English" card because apparently my Mother has gotten away with tons of tickets because she legitimately didn't understand what the cops were saying. ADM (you like that Esme, I threw it in!!)

Damn you laws, damn you...

#69: Why I can't Make it on the Bachelor

Let's just get our laughs out folks. This is my 69th Blog. Hoorah, think dirty thoughts, ok, we're done.

Now here goes my post:

My friends are great, so great that they encourage me to go and audition for spots on shows like the Bachelor because they think I'd be awesome.  But here lies the problem, when was the last time you saw an Asian American girl on a network show like "The Bachelor?" C'mon really. There was one I believe, but they portrayed her as just really weird, exotic, and demonic, so that doesn't count. Yea, so there is no way in hell that the Bachelor would ever pick me...and even if they did, I wouldn't make it to the next round. Duh.

I know they save some Black/African American and Latinas and make sure that they don't get eliminated during the first round, but seriously, I think that's so that our respective communities won't lash out at the networks for trying. Oh the politics.


On another note, I think the only Asian American family show that has aired was Margaret Cho's "All American Girl."  I may be showing my age with this, but when I saw this show, I really loved it and was saddened when it got canceled.  And to this day, this was the LAST network show to ever come out portraying Asian American families.

Doesn't that suck?

Yes, it does.

So here's my point: for those who have encouraged me to audition for network tv, thank you.  But the problem is that someone like me would never make it on there because...I'm Asian, and Asians are not cool.  The only female ones you will ever see is Sandra Oh, Margarent Cho, Lisa Ling, and Lucy Liu and they will be it until the next century...or whenever one dies and one of us can replace them.

Ok, maybe Disney's Brenda Song.

You get my point, media hates us Asian people, and I don't know why. When was the last Asian American singer you heard on the radio, it was probably Jocelyn Enriquez, and you probably thought she was Latina because of her name...but she's really Filipina.

FML, society hates me. And I almost hate myself, but I'm not.

Here's Margaret Cho on Wendy Williams: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsPrpxkhMZo&feature=related

#68: Thoughts of Peeing in Memorial Park

It's been a long time since I ran at Memorial Park - so long that I got totally lost driving there today and had to make several u-turns before I found the correct area for running. Anyway, I finally parked and as I was walking over to the trail, I realized that the Dark Cherry Frappacino from Starbucks that I had a few hours ago wasn't the best choice prior to my run.  And as I looked around, I could NOT find one single bathroom...not ONE none!!

Wtf.

But my mind was set on running the whole track, and I convinced myself that there has to be a public restroom somewhere, and with that thought, off I went.  But as 2 minutes passed, and then 5 minutes passed, I didn't see any signs of internal disposal units. Fuck.  And with that my internal debate started...

Turn around and get back in your car!
No! Run the whole track...how long can it really be?
You need to go back...you just had a shot of espresso in your drink.
Well, there has to be a short cut somewhere...
Tawn, turn around girl, you need to turn around!
Hmm...there's a lot of trees and bushes...maybe I can leak there. I had practice in Vietnam!
             AHH...
Just run, you'll sweat it out.


So that's what I did...I ran, I sweat, and I ran faster to get back to my car.  I guess I got the workout I really wanted, and I did not find an accessible restroom the whole way around. 

With that being said, I made it to tell y'all the story of how I contemplated whether or not to leak in the forest of Memorial Park thanks to these bad boys (see below). 

Here are some other not so convenient moment at the park in addition to the restroom debacle:

• I tied my car keys to my shoelaces really tight.  So when I got to my car, I could only unlock it, but couldn't get the freaking car keys off my shoes.  Next thing you know, my shoe is off and transforms into a nice dangling ornament as I started my car.
• My headphones got stuck to my necklace and I couldn't get it off so I had to sit in my car for awhile untangling it all. Yes, I got stares.
• My friend told me that I may go to hell for some of the shit I write on my blog. I'm very sure she was joking, but still. Now I have to be really nice for the next few days which includes my internal thoughts. I do feel shitty for some of the stuff I write too, but because most of it is about my life, I'm not as compelled to say sorry.  But if you do deserve a sorry from me, you probably already got it along with me groveling because I don't want to sink deep into the depths of hell because they don't serve beer there...or mixed drinks.

What a fail.

#67: I love Flaming Hot Cheetos

That is all I have to say for today.

#66: My Father - aka Ba, aka Daddy

Growing up, I was terribly afraid of my Father - for some reason, out of the 3 of us, I would always be the one that got into trouble the most, but luckily he was always about an inch away from slapping me for the things I said or did....however, I can definitely say that that was not the case with my Mother! 


Anyway, while I did get yelled at a lot back in the days, I always felt compelled to make sure my Dad (I called him Ba in Vietnamese) knew that I was doing my best in hopes that he'd be happy with me some day.  I used to wake up around 4am to 5am to study in high school to make sure that when he stepped out of the door for work, he knew I was giving it my all. 


Why not aim to please my Mother you may ask.  Well, she already tends to exaggerate a  bit when it comes to her children. Hahaha.  I used to walk into her work and all of the ladies would be impressed at me for being a genius and how I was such a great singer that I went to sing at Carnegie Hall.  Yea...only if they knew that I was not a genius and that I was only in the Gifted and Talented program, and that I was not a great singer but was a part of a choir program at school that allowed us to sing at Carnegie Hall.  But hey, if I'm a badass in my Mom's mind, then shiet, I'm a badass and I'll take it.


Oops, I digressed.  The point of this post is to say that my Dad always had his game face on when I was growing up, and that this weekend during my brother's engagement ceremony, he seemed really happy.  He even choked back a few tears during the ceremony because I knew that he never thought he'd live to see this day.  But of course he did...


I put together this really cute video of him this weekend playing with my Uncle's grandkids.  He even told us he felt no pain. Which means he wants him some grand kids, and it ain't going to be from me that's for sure.


Hope y'all like the translation. =D

#65: Don't Act Like You Know

Ok, I'm fuming, I'm furious, and I want to rip a few people into pieces...with my words of course.  But I can't, so now blogging is my only outlet (isn't that sad...).  Therefore, I must choose my words carefully, and I should also  limit the amount of times I can curse.  If I didn't, there would be f-bombs all over this post.

First off, If you DON'T know what the hell you're doing, don't act like you do. Period!  Sometimes the whole fake it til you make it doesn't work. And in today's case, it obviously doesn't because it cost me a lot of somethings, but most importantly it cost me my time that I could've put elsewhere.

Ok, I'm going to keep it short so I don't reveal too much.

Second, I don't like it when people who don't know what they're talking about go diva/divo on me. I don't deserve it, and you end up looking like a fool (pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!!!).

BAHHHHHH.  I feel like I'm like SNL skit after I write this.

#64: No, it's not you, it's me.

You know when there's a socially awkward moment and you just start laughing and giggling uncontrollably?  Ya, that's what I did this weekend and I'm sorry.  It really wasn't you, it was really just all me.

The story of my life: I can make a situation a lot worse than what it really is and I can make myself look like a jackass within a few seconds. =(.

So you asked me for my number and all I could do was giggle - and this wasn't a little teehee, this was a few minutes of just giggling and laughing and I was unable to stop because I didn't have any other reaction surface except of that.

Once again, I suck as a person, and I hope you forgive me for being rude because that was completely not suppose to happen but it did.

So to make myself feel better, I have a YouTube of Hilary Clinton laughing at Piracy - if she can laugh at a very serious matter, so can I. Kinda...

#63: Oddities - Computers and Cigarettes

Hello beautiful people. Just wanted to let you know that there's oddity everywhere and everyday that ranges  from your surrounding to yourself.

Here are my oddities for today:

• A full size desktop computer at a DJ's booth (you know, normally DJ's have laptop...nope, not here at Avant Garden)
• Picking up guys with cigarettes

Full Size Desktop Computer at a DJ's Booth

When I saw this I wanted to laugh. This is like the equivalent of going into Starbucks to setup your personal desktop computer and sitting next to the kid who has a Macbook Pro (which by the way, I do want to do one day.)

Free Cigarette Pack Logic = Picking up guys with cigarettes

So after our show today, there was a Camel Rep handing out FREE cigarettes.  So when he approached me, I told him I didn't smoke and pointed to a group of folks that I knew did.  After a few minutes, I had a eureka moment: he's giving it away for free...so why would I turn it away right?  I mean, I can use this to my advantage. Not only was this Camel Crush pretty damn cool and could possibly make a great conversation piece (you can click the cigarette and turn it into Menthol, or you can just smoke it straight without it), my logic behind it was that I can also use my free cigarettes to pick up guys.  

Whoa whoa whoa, yes, I know, this is terribly flawed!  We are creatures of habit, and when I really thought about it, why would I want to pickup a guy who smokes? He's only going to die sooner and that just sucks.

Creatures of habit? Yes, I think pretty much 90% of the guys I've ever dated were all huge cigarette smokers, and I realized as I was holding this precious package that if I opened it up, I would start the vicious cycle all over again.  

Look at where the Pink Nat Sherman's got me in college...sure I landed a boyfriend out of it, but other than that, it got me pretty much nowhere, except for a semi-tragic accident where I burned my hair...and that's just another story for me to tell.

**PS I'm not a cigarette smoker**