#73: Free Range Shopping Carts - no bueno.

Free Range Chicken = Good

Free Range Shopping Carts = Not so Good

I have a bone to pick with you people and your shopping carts - especially at big places like Walmart, Target, HEB, etc.  There's this magical area that is designated for shopping carts (see image below).  It kinda looks like a corral, but you push your shopping cart in there once you finish unloading the contents from the shopping cart to your car.  It's an easy concept, but for some reason *cough laziness* people do not place their carts in there...they leave it out.

I don't get you people, I really don't, and today, I was really confused.  I saw multiple people who drove nice ass cars that didn't push their shopping carts into the cart corral when they unloaded they just left it wherever it was convenient. WTF people. Let's get it together.

See my hand drawing below.  That's what it looked like today.  I don't want to assume or anything, but are rich people too good to push their own ish?  Is it that hard?

Next thing you know, there's tons of free range shopping carts moving around.

*yes, I contradicted myself in this picture* =) This laziness doesn't result in ruining other people's vehicles or time.

#72: Upgrades

Just thought I'd dedicate this post to the upgrades in our world...

First off, the Xlerator hand dryer. What's better than a hand dryer that blows your skin so hard it looks like the waves on a beach. It's pretty badass I must say, and my hands are dried in less than 10 seconds.  Don't forget that we don't waste trees.

I like these hand dryers because they actually work.

I was listening to the radio today and I heard an ad for "Your Baby Can Read."  As early as 10 months can you teach your baby to start reading...I don't know if I really want my infant to be saying (imagine an infant talking here...use your imagination people), "Momma, you lie, the can say vegetable, you say it's fun green colors to eat."

I just don't know how I feel about this.  Remember when you were young and the teacher wanted for you to deliver a message to your parents or another teacher and they would write in cursive so that you couldn't read? Yea, that's no longer gona happen because of this upgrade.

All I have to say is this is BAD packaging. I just wouldn't buy it because it just looks...stupid.  There's too many different fonts going on and the baby...well..there's something that looks really wrong with the baby.  Oh yea, he's wearing a clipart cap on the top of his head.  You might as well have just added a graduation gown on too, but instead, you decided to cover it with a book.


Hah! You thought there would be one more upgrade picture I'd put at the end of this post.  WRONG, my friends.  If you think you know what I was thinking of putting up, you are probably correct in your thinking.

Gnite.

#71: Thank Y'all for Reading

I just wanted to dedicate this post to everyone who has encouraged me to continue blogging about my everyday experiences in "Daily Head Farts" and to thank you all for your continual support to keep on writing.


First, I want to thank Mr. Ferrell Datcher for even approaching me on the challenge of 100 Days of Writing, and although we both have not written continuously everyday for y'all to read, I believe this experience allows us to use the English language in both formal and informal ways to connect with our readers (when I say informal, I mean me because my grammar sucks).


Secondly, it was also an honor to be recognized by Davey D -  "a nationally recognized journalist, adjunct professor, Hip Hop historian, syndicated talk show host, radio programmer, producer, deejay, media and community activist" - on a post that I wrote a few weeks ago.  That was probably the first time that a post of mine have made it to the computers of his biggest fans, and I wanted to say thank you.   


And of course, a HUGE thank you to all the folks who have emailed me/messaged me/text me/called me/found another method of contacting me to let me know that you like my blog.  I really appreciate all of your kind words and the fact that I can crack a smile on your face with my stupidity and immaturity because I know as well as you do, that we all go through the same things at the end of the day and whether we know it or not, we're all connected through similar experiences.  Yes, even the awkward ones.


Thank you for allowing me to take out my frustrations and anger out on y'all on the world wide web because at the end of the day, life is humorous, life is crazy, and it's not worth putting that much energy into feeling sorry for yourself, and, thus, the creation of Daily Head Farts emerged.  This is my catharsis, and this is where I find myself saying, "fuck this, this is hilarious, and rather cry or get pissy about it, I'll laugh at it."  


Ok, and what's up with this...maybe I'm your guilty pleasure, I'm not sure, but I get a majority of the compliments when you folks are drunk. Why?! I say about 75% of my feedback comes from you drunkards...I know it's not a cool thing when you can admit and say..."I love reading your Daily Head Farts" =), I don't mind.  Kathy Griffin has her LBGTQ community, I have my drunkass community, I'll take what I can get.  I'm on the Z List, so it's all good.


I digressed, anyway, if my Mother can find life funny and enjoyable after enduring years of war, nursing and losing her Mother and Father before she turned 18, having everything she owned stolen by pirates to escape, losing her brothers, losing her first born, and being the only person in her big family who lived in America for 25 years, I sure in hell don't have anything to complain about.  Nothing.  



“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.”
 - Henry Ward Beecher


Ok, that's enough mushiness from me.


And now to complete this blog, I would like to give a huge F- YOU, to those teachers who didn't like my writing style because you know what, I don't care, and as long as I can connect through sharing my experiences with others, then I'm fine, and my words did its job.


Thank you again. And now please enjoy my dancing video that was done in San Antonio this weekend for my girl's bachelorette party! Yes, this was done with NO drinks in my system. Also, the dance move was inspired by Ferrell, the ladies you see in there are my line sisters Brenda, Jenny, and Nina. lol





     

#70: Another ticket...

At least this month I didn't get pulled over by the cops again, but I did manage to get 2 more parking violations.

Seriously, you can't park 20 feet near a crossing sidewalk?  They didn't teach this to me in drivers ed class, nor my comedy defensive driving. Next time I get pulled over by the cops, I'm going to pull the ,"I don't speaka English" card because apparently my Mother has gotten away with tons of tickets because she legitimately didn't understand what the cops were saying. ADM (you like that Esme, I threw it in!!)

Damn you laws, damn you...

#69: Why I can't Make it on the Bachelor

Let's just get our laughs out folks. This is my 69th Blog. Hoorah, think dirty thoughts, ok, we're done.

Now here goes my post:

My friends are great, so great that they encourage me to go and audition for spots on shows like the Bachelor because they think I'd be awesome.  But here lies the problem, when was the last time you saw an Asian American girl on a network show like "The Bachelor?" C'mon really. There was one I believe, but they portrayed her as just really weird, exotic, and demonic, so that doesn't count. Yea, so there is no way in hell that the Bachelor would ever pick me...and even if they did, I wouldn't make it to the next round. Duh.

I know they save some Black/African American and Latinas and make sure that they don't get eliminated during the first round, but seriously, I think that's so that our respective communities won't lash out at the networks for trying. Oh the politics.


On another note, I think the only Asian American family show that has aired was Margaret Cho's "All American Girl."  I may be showing my age with this, but when I saw this show, I really loved it and was saddened when it got canceled.  And to this day, this was the LAST network show to ever come out portraying Asian American families.

Doesn't that suck?

Yes, it does.

So here's my point: for those who have encouraged me to audition for network tv, thank you.  But the problem is that someone like me would never make it on there because...I'm Asian, and Asians are not cool.  The only female ones you will ever see is Sandra Oh, Margarent Cho, Lisa Ling, and Lucy Liu and they will be it until the next century...or whenever one dies and one of us can replace them.

Ok, maybe Disney's Brenda Song.

You get my point, media hates us Asian people, and I don't know why. When was the last Asian American singer you heard on the radio, it was probably Jocelyn Enriquez, and you probably thought she was Latina because of her name...but she's really Filipina.

FML, society hates me. And I almost hate myself, but I'm not.

Here's Margaret Cho on Wendy Williams: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsPrpxkhMZo&feature=related

#68: Thoughts of Peeing in Memorial Park

It's been a long time since I ran at Memorial Park - so long that I got totally lost driving there today and had to make several u-turns before I found the correct area for running. Anyway, I finally parked and as I was walking over to the trail, I realized that the Dark Cherry Frappacino from Starbucks that I had a few hours ago wasn't the best choice prior to my run.  And as I looked around, I could NOT find one single bathroom...not ONE none!!

Wtf.

But my mind was set on running the whole track, and I convinced myself that there has to be a public restroom somewhere, and with that thought, off I went.  But as 2 minutes passed, and then 5 minutes passed, I didn't see any signs of internal disposal units. Fuck.  And with that my internal debate started...

Turn around and get back in your car!
No! Run the whole track...how long can it really be?
You need to go back...you just had a shot of espresso in your drink.
Well, there has to be a short cut somewhere...
Tawn, turn around girl, you need to turn around!
Hmm...there's a lot of trees and bushes...maybe I can leak there. I had practice in Vietnam!
             AHH...
Just run, you'll sweat it out.


So that's what I did...I ran, I sweat, and I ran faster to get back to my car.  I guess I got the workout I really wanted, and I did not find an accessible restroom the whole way around. 

With that being said, I made it to tell y'all the story of how I contemplated whether or not to leak in the forest of Memorial Park thanks to these bad boys (see below). 

Here are some other not so convenient moment at the park in addition to the restroom debacle:

• I tied my car keys to my shoelaces really tight.  So when I got to my car, I could only unlock it, but couldn't get the freaking car keys off my shoes.  Next thing you know, my shoe is off and transforms into a nice dangling ornament as I started my car.
• My headphones got stuck to my necklace and I couldn't get it off so I had to sit in my car for awhile untangling it all. Yes, I got stares.
• My friend told me that I may go to hell for some of the shit I write on my blog. I'm very sure she was joking, but still. Now I have to be really nice for the next few days which includes my internal thoughts. I do feel shitty for some of the stuff I write too, but because most of it is about my life, I'm not as compelled to say sorry.  But if you do deserve a sorry from me, you probably already got it along with me groveling because I don't want to sink deep into the depths of hell because they don't serve beer there...or mixed drinks.

What a fail.

#67: I love Flaming Hot Cheetos

That is all I have to say for today.

#66: My Father - aka Ba, aka Daddy

Growing up, I was terribly afraid of my Father - for some reason, out of the 3 of us, I would always be the one that got into trouble the most, but luckily he was always about an inch away from slapping me for the things I said or did....however, I can definitely say that that was not the case with my Mother! 


Anyway, while I did get yelled at a lot back in the days, I always felt compelled to make sure my Dad (I called him Ba in Vietnamese) knew that I was doing my best in hopes that he'd be happy with me some day.  I used to wake up around 4am to 5am to study in high school to make sure that when he stepped out of the door for work, he knew I was giving it my all. 


Why not aim to please my Mother you may ask.  Well, she already tends to exaggerate a  bit when it comes to her children. Hahaha.  I used to walk into her work and all of the ladies would be impressed at me for being a genius and how I was such a great singer that I went to sing at Carnegie Hall.  Yea...only if they knew that I was not a genius and that I was only in the Gifted and Talented program, and that I was not a great singer but was a part of a choir program at school that allowed us to sing at Carnegie Hall.  But hey, if I'm a badass in my Mom's mind, then shiet, I'm a badass and I'll take it.


Oops, I digressed.  The point of this post is to say that my Dad always had his game face on when I was growing up, and that this weekend during my brother's engagement ceremony, he seemed really happy.  He even choked back a few tears during the ceremony because I knew that he never thought he'd live to see this day.  But of course he did...


I put together this really cute video of him this weekend playing with my Uncle's grandkids.  He even told us he felt no pain. Which means he wants him some grand kids, and it ain't going to be from me that's for sure.


Hope y'all like the translation. =D

#65: Don't Act Like You Know

Ok, I'm fuming, I'm furious, and I want to rip a few people into pieces...with my words of course.  But I can't, so now blogging is my only outlet (isn't that sad...).  Therefore, I must choose my words carefully, and I should also  limit the amount of times I can curse.  If I didn't, there would be f-bombs all over this post.

First off, If you DON'T know what the hell you're doing, don't act like you do. Period!  Sometimes the whole fake it til you make it doesn't work. And in today's case, it obviously doesn't because it cost me a lot of somethings, but most importantly it cost me my time that I could've put elsewhere.

Ok, I'm going to keep it short so I don't reveal too much.

Second, I don't like it when people who don't know what they're talking about go diva/divo on me. I don't deserve it, and you end up looking like a fool (pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!!!).

BAHHHHHH.  I feel like I'm like SNL skit after I write this.

#64: No, it's not you, it's me.

You know when there's a socially awkward moment and you just start laughing and giggling uncontrollably?  Ya, that's what I did this weekend and I'm sorry.  It really wasn't you, it was really just all me.

The story of my life: I can make a situation a lot worse than what it really is and I can make myself look like a jackass within a few seconds. =(.

So you asked me for my number and all I could do was giggle - and this wasn't a little teehee, this was a few minutes of just giggling and laughing and I was unable to stop because I didn't have any other reaction surface except of that.

Once again, I suck as a person, and I hope you forgive me for being rude because that was completely not suppose to happen but it did.

So to make myself feel better, I have a YouTube of Hilary Clinton laughing at Piracy - if she can laugh at a very serious matter, so can I. Kinda...

#63: Oddities - Computers and Cigarettes

Hello beautiful people. Just wanted to let you know that there's oddity everywhere and everyday that ranges  from your surrounding to yourself.

Here are my oddities for today:

• A full size desktop computer at a DJ's booth (you know, normally DJ's have laptop...nope, not here at Avant Garden)
• Picking up guys with cigarettes

Full Size Desktop Computer at a DJ's Booth

When I saw this I wanted to laugh. This is like the equivalent of going into Starbucks to setup your personal desktop computer and sitting next to the kid who has a Macbook Pro (which by the way, I do want to do one day.)

Free Cigarette Pack Logic = Picking up guys with cigarettes

So after our show today, there was a Camel Rep handing out FREE cigarettes.  So when he approached me, I told him I didn't smoke and pointed to a group of folks that I knew did.  After a few minutes, I had a eureka moment: he's giving it away for free...so why would I turn it away right?  I mean, I can use this to my advantage. Not only was this Camel Crush pretty damn cool and could possibly make a great conversation piece (you can click the cigarette and turn it into Menthol, or you can just smoke it straight without it), my logic behind it was that I can also use my free cigarettes to pick up guys.  

Whoa whoa whoa, yes, I know, this is terribly flawed!  We are creatures of habit, and when I really thought about it, why would I want to pickup a guy who smokes? He's only going to die sooner and that just sucks.

Creatures of habit? Yes, I think pretty much 90% of the guys I've ever dated were all huge cigarette smokers, and I realized as I was holding this precious package that if I opened it up, I would start the vicious cycle all over again.  

Look at where the Pink Nat Sherman's got me in college...sure I landed a boyfriend out of it, but other than that, it got me pretty much nowhere, except for a semi-tragic accident where I burned my hair...and that's just another story for me to tell.

**PS I'm not a cigarette smoker**

#62: Rejects Club - Hi, that's me.

You know that moment when clarity just hits you - the piph in epiphany?  Well that moment hit me last week - I, Thinh aka Tawn Le, am a reject, and I play with other rejects.  And I am GD proud of it. GDit!


So I was sitting around (ok, let's just call it what it is...we were loitering) with a couple of friends, and we started to ask one another how we got to this point: what happened in our lives that brought us to decide to do this particular hobby.  And the answer was pretty much the same, we all got out of a relationship...majority of us were dumped.  Hmm...go figure.


Same thing happened at a meeting that I was in this weekend - we all asked how we all got here...and the answer was pretty much the same, some of us just got out of relationships and others have been out of relationships for so long that they continue to commit their time doing something for the betterment of our world.


I don't think being a reject is a bad thing, hell, I am going to own that word and put a new spin to it.  Rejects Unite Nonetheless.  I call it: RUN.


And with that, I'll leave you to a YouTube from (how appropriate) The All-American Rejects - "Swing Swing."

#61: Usage of Daddy - Disturbing

I know people use the word "Daddy" to describe their man/significant other, but for some reason, I still can't wrap my head around the usage of that word.  It's creepy PERIOD. Creeepppyy.  Especially, if you call your true Father "Daddy."

I mean, if you ladies say it by all means, more power to you, but for me it's a no go.  I don't know about you, but an image of my Father would be conjured up if I ever used that word...doesn't that ruin things for you?  It would for me...I would throw up in my mouth and then duck down because that image would beat the living shit out of me for even thinking about saying it.  "I'm sorry Daddy, I didn't mean to call him Daddy...please, don't hit me...ahhhh!!!"

Anyway, while the usage of "Daddy" has dated back a few decades (see youtube below for "Time of the Season" by The Zombie), I really think the recent emergence of "Daddy" in songs like Usher's, Twista's, etc. have been due to the usage of a the same exact word in Spanish - Papi. There's something about that word that makes all guys slobber and turn what they would normally think about every 30 seconds into every 15 seconds, it's like their fantasy or something, and I think Americans are embracing it and making it their own...hence using the word Daddy.

So I guess the point of this post for me is to say that using the word Daddy as a pet name to call your significant other is really disturbing to me because growing up, I called my Dad that.  But then I can see why some girls could do that especially if they didn't refer to their Father's as such.

Eh.

#60: Motion Sickness..

I'm pretty much the worse when it comes to getting motion sickness by being in a small boat, going in a circular motion on the carousel, riding on crappy roads in a car, reading while someone is driving, and even swimming in a pool for about 30 minutes.  Don't get me wrong, for some reason, I am perfectly fine when it comes to roller coasters, yet when it comes little ripples of motion, I get really sick.  Well, today I figured out something else...

I get motion sickness READING while taking a BATH.  Yea, go figure, Reading in the Car + Taking a Bath = Motion Sickness.

Fail.

Can you imagine me trying to be a parent.."Little Susie...get off of this Merry Go Round NOW"

Little Susie: "No Mommy, I WON'T get off, YOU come get me!!"
Me: [Thinking...fawk. What do I do now??? Get on the stupid merry go round, take her physically off, throw up...then kick her little butt when we get home]

I guess that's the plan.

#59: Don't Remember my Birthday

First off, thank you to EVERYONE for all the birthday wishes and for those who could make it out - I really appreciate it all and y'all made me feel extremely special.

Now to the part that you all want to hear...

I totally don't remember anything pass midnight, so if you were at Belvedere, please let me know so I can personally thank you for being there because all I could remember was going into the club, and then being carried out.  Now you're probably asking how I even got to that point...hmm...let's say we started off at Bar Retro before coming into Belvedere that night and within a span of an hour there, I had approximately ten drinks, majority of it being shots.  So obviously you can see where this is going.

Here's my Recap of my birthday celebration and then the aftermath of it all in no particular order (thanks to everyone who told me what happened):

• I woke up with one side of my face with makeup, and the other side without.  My roomie said she tried taking it off, but apparently I told her that it hurt.
• I slept on the bathroom floor in the women's bathroom under the sink.
• I laid on the parking lot
• I had to be carried out of the club
• A friend fireman carried me out of my Esme's car while my little sister followed right behind with a trash bag underneath my head in case I threw up
• I was apparently lifeless until I got to my apartment, and then suddenly got up and sprinted up 3 flights and headed straight to the bathroom
• I opened Esme's car door while the car was in motion
• I had a Ciroc bottle in hand and was pouring drinks
• A requested Single Ladies, but then I was in the bathroom and missed the dance
• My hangover got progressively worse today.  My brother arranged a beautiful birthday/Easter brunch at Benjy's for me, and I could barely eat anything.
• My sister put me into my bed and took a picture of me with my head in the trash can

Yea, all in all, a great 26th birthday. =)  I think the last time this ever happened was back in college probably when I was 20.  It's already Monday morning....and I'm still hungover. Wah wah.

O yea, and I DID wear my fanny pack!!!!!!!!! Didn't lose anything! Yes yes, I realize that I am totally pale...