#84: Warning: Yellow Fever, Please don't.

**this post contains my hand drawn stick figures, hope y'all like it (I've had a lot of request to illustrate my blogs)**

What's the biggest turn-off?  Guys who have Asian Fetish, aka Yellow Fever.  Some may find it endearing, I, on the other hand, do not like it.  For some reason, when guys who have symptoms of what is known to be Yellow Fever, I can somehow see their thought bubble right in front of me.

Is it because of all the Asian porns they've been watching? I don't know, but whatever it is, I don't like it. Anyway, back to my story...

So I'm in Austin this weekend, and our group went to Rabbit's in East 6th to see Brenda's friend's band play.  Anyway, it's a cute outdoor venue and we grab a table to enjoy the jazzy/blues/contemporary music.  After they're done playing, Ferrell goes over to the band and starts talking to them.  Of course, I'm trying to wave Ferrell down so that he can come over and hangout/drink with us when he's done.  Mind you, Ferrell is at least 15 yards away, and I can't really scream so I start being silly and do my SOS wave.

However, my SOS signal got misinterpreted by the guy that is sitting at a table in front of Ferrell.  He thought I was motioning him over to talk to me, and after I suddenly realized this happened, this white dude (we'll call him Undergraduate Asian Studies, you'll see as you read as to why I named him this) walks over and says in a confident and manly voice:

"Hi there. So you couldn't have just walked over and said hi?"

And of course, I responded:

"Actually, I was waving to him {pointed to Ferrell, who was walking up behind him}."

UAS: "Oh, well, this is embarrassing."

And true to form, my good friend Ferrell says (knowing ALL too well that this whole scene will later on be used for their entertainment):

"What is your name? Why don't you join us!!!"

Freaking Ferrell...I swear.  So I slapped on a smile because I didn't want to seem rude to this guy who was already embarrassed at the fact that he misinterpreted my SOS wave, and of course he sat down next to me.

Here's a quick play by play:

Me: So what do you do?

UAS: I'm an undergrad student at UT, actually, I'll be graduating next semester

Me: (umm...first he's already too young) oh, ok. That's cool.  What are you studying?

UAS: Asian Studies

Me: (uh o, already a sign that I don't really like). Oh, I see, that's cool. I was Asian American Studies and Marketing.

UAS: Cool.

And then the conversation kind of went downhill from there with him saying the following:

• So how do you feel about being a 2nd Generation Asian American.
• Traditional culture versus new age ever changing culture.
• I like Asian culture I find it fascinating.
• My thoughts at the moment - Dude, I just want to enjoy my beer and bullshit with my friends, not talk about a dissertation you're about to write.  I have no interest in that at this moment. Stop trying to relate to me by pulling in all of your 5 page, double spaced Asian Studies essays you've ever written to try to relate to me because I don't want to talk about it.  Let me pull out my higher education, vocab for what we call this entire scenario on your assumptions about me: exoticism. 

And I attempted to say the dumbest things I could think of because I didn't want to talk anymore.

And then....it went on to this:

• Where are you from? Houston? Oh, I'm from there, I hate it there. You look like you're from Austin.
• So what do you look for in a guy? Humor? That's so generic.
• What do you think I look for in a girl?
• My thoughts: Does it matter what I think? I just want to drink my beer.... I'm going to hit Ferrell.

On to randomness: here's a funny image from Rabbit's.  Interpret as you please.

#83: I will give you the Bird!...kinda...

I'm passive aggressive, non-confrontational, yet at the same time, I have a really short temper.

Not a great combination if you ask me.

Take for example, my driving.  I literally flick people off every day I drive, but you'll never see me actually doing it.  That is, if you're in the car next to me. Secretly, I'm flicking you off under my car's steering wheel because I sure don't want to piss off the wrong person who might shoot me.  Hey, it's Houston, it can happen!

Yea, that's all I have to say for today. I'm a wuss.

#82: Cosmetic surgery - What did you say to me?!

Here are some tidbits about me if you don't already know me:

1. I'm normally out and about and get to meet really unique folks randomly.

2. I'm small busted (See Blog #31). C'mon people, it's no secret.

So this weekend, a friend comes over to me while I was out and about and said, "Tawn, you need to meet this person, this could be an opportunity for us to form a business partnership, and we could possibly get some type of funding, because XYZ hapened last time...yada yada yada."

I agreed, and the introductions started.

Because of all the noise in the background, I only caught a few words here and there, but the gist of the conversation was that he was a plastic surgeon here in Houston who has his own practice (good for him and I'm definitely not taking anything away from a man being an entrepreneur and making his greens). 

Anyhoo, the last line that I heard was, "Ya, so you should definitely stop by my office sometimes."

ERRR?! What did he just say? (My head was filled with all these thoughts - that weren't really nice to say aloud).

So I said out loud (and apparently it was loud enough where my friend even heard me say it), and I quote...

"Stop by your office? And do what?! Say hi?" 

And that my friend, was the end of that conversation.  I wasn't going to continue a conversation with a man that just invited me into his office for a visit - ain't no permanent marker going to be marking me up with lines and hashes.

The end.



Anyhoo, half of this blog would probably need to be transitioned into the other blog that I write (which I barely write...sorry!!), Stories by Tawn.

I really love Dove's Beauty Campaign, and the first Youtube really hit home because I know many of us went through/continue to go through it.

Blog #81: The Cops, Again...

I swear, I'm 5 for 5 now.  Each month, I've encounter cops one way or another...and right now, I am sitting in my room waiting for HPD to come.

So I rolled home about 30 minutes (I'm probably going to publish this WAY after I wrote it) ago and couldn't find my usual parking so I parked a little bit further than normal and noticed that the wheels were missing from this nice luxury car parked next to me.  Which I thought was odd since it was perched on 2 bricks.  And of course nosy me goes to the other side of the car and noticed that the other side of wheels were missing.

With that being said, there are only 2 scenarios I could see...
A) Someone stole their wheels because it's a nice car
B) The owner is fixing his/her wheels and took it all off and I might look like a dumbass reporting it to the police.

Hence...the internal debate started and I tweeted about it because that's quite a walk that I have to take to my apartment and if I get mugged or killed...at least I tweeted about it and everyone knows my situation instead of my dialing 911 where no one would know what had happened to me if a bad person snatched me away? Ya, my logic is pretty screwed up.

And now I am sitting in my room waiting for the police to call for me to come downstairs and report it. I'm sleepy...I'm going to sleep, they have my number.

To be continued...

Vlog #80: "Facebook Stalker" (Tune of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga)

So here we are again for another Vlog my friends.  I hope y'all enjoy =D






Lyrics:
We loggin in
We s-searching you
Got my mouse on your pic
Need to Like your status
It's so magical
Staring at your Facebook Wall

Photos of you
Are you still single?
Can't find that info
But the photos I see
Who the hell is she?!
Going to her Facebook Page

I'm your biggest fan
I will friend you until you love me
Facebook, Facebook Stalker
Baby I'll read up on your info
You know that I'll be your
Facebook, Facebook Stalker

You will never know
I check up on you and your wall comments
Baby I bookmarked you
Check you out on the daily
Facebook, Facebook Stalker

#79: Why Men Should Pay on a Date

Ok, I was going to write something about it, but then I watched Ali Wong's piece (an awesome Asian American Comedian) and thought I'd just post up her stuff because it explains everything.

"Oh my gosh, Tawn, this post is so fucked up!" Yea, it is...and what?

Boys, watch and learn (and be afraid!).

#78: Do NOT Wear White Bras!...

Ladies, unless you're purposely trying to show off your neat colored bras underneath a white/light colored shirt, do NOT, and I repeat do NOT think that people can't see your bra when you choose to wear white on white.  See example below.

We really need to educate our women on this.  When I was in college and I worked at GAP Women (specializing in lingerie/foundation), tons of women would come in the store and say..."I just bought this beautiful white dress and need to get a white bra."

And I had to ask, "Do you want your bra to show through?"  

They replied..."Well, of course not."

So I nicely had to educate them as to why they should NOT wear white bras underneath.  Bottom line, don't do it!

Please choose a nude colored bra, and if you have darker skin, a black bra would work as well.

Now for the men.  They really need to make nude colored undershirts for guys too.  Nothing is more hilarious to me when I see a man walk in and I see his tank underneath, and if he ain't fit..damn, we can see it all.  So do us a favor Hanes, please make men tanks/undershirt in nude!!

Apparently, they say heather gray works too. Not too sure about this suggestion though...thoughts?

#77: Will Ferrell=Janet Reno as Horatio Sanz=Elena Kagan

So as I opened up my NYtimes, I saw that Elena Kagan was nominated for the 112th justice to succeed Justice John Paul Stevens, and as I looked as her picture...I had a vision.

A vision that the next parody of her will be done by former SNL alum, Horatio Sanz.  I promise, I had a slideshow of Will Ferrell as Janet Reno and Horatio Sanz as Elena Kagan ALL DAY LONG.  I couldn't help but to giggle every so often.

I know, this is terrible of me to say, but I honestly could not help but think of it!  If you saw my Twitter/FB status this morning, I've had this idea for the entire day...now I just want to show you the pictures.

Of course Fake Janet Reno vs. Real Janet Reno

Fake Elena Kagan

vs.

Real Elena Kagan.

Enjoy.

I know what you're thinking, "Oh no she didn't!!!"

Well to set the record straight..oh yes I did. 

 So here's my message to Horatio - if you do a parody of her...can you at least make a shout out to me?!  I had this tweeted and recorded on the World Wide Web.  I think I was the first person in the world to say it? Yes?!

#76: Your Mama Jokes by my Mom

First off, Happy Mother's Day to all the awesome Moms in the world!

Second, after being in Dallas for a few days and listening to their hip hop station, 97.9 The Beat,  having their callers tell "Your Mama" jokes for prizes, I decided that since my Mom is so badass, that I'll have her do the same. =)

She's such a team player.  Hey Papa Jumba, I introduce...Mama Tawn. =)

#75: How to Wipe Ass with No Toilet Paper

As I was doing usual business, I thought about this and remembered how much fun I had when I went to Vietnam back in 2004, but what made it even more funny/eye opening was the fact that the most basic things that we do in America, like going to the bathroom, is totally not the same in Vietnam...or any other rural countries/cities.

I remembered going to the bathroom for the first time, and I immediately exited because I was shocked. I whispered in my Mom's ear (here's the English translation of course), "Mom, I don't know how to wipe my ass." Of course she had to laugh at me and then proceeded to explain to me the proper way to clean.  I really wished I had a manual on this before I went in.

And of course, today, I found a manual - with pictures of course, because I only read picture books (pbase.com - Jesse Toddhunter). This was in India, but of course, the toilets we have are similar.

I hope y'all like it, because I sure did.

#74: HEB Samples

My name is Tawn, and I need to go to Samples Anonymous.

I go to HEB about 3-4 times per week, and without fail, I will go around to all the possible sample stands and eat the samples. No joke.  If I had a Sam's Card, you know I'll be all up in that ish on the weekends.

I really think at this point in time, all of the sushi workers at HEB know me by now, and although I've tried every single type of rolls they produce, I still go back and "sample" some more and pretend that I'm considering it for purchase. And up to this point in time, I have yet purchased any HEB sushi rolls.

Onto other news, I was out at the Texas Dragon Boat Festival this weekend and had a blast.  For your entertainment purposes, here's a video of me at the State Farm Booth trying to win a Foam Cowboy Hat for myself, and then almost got hit by a kid trying to throw a football. Yes, I DO throw like a girl...check out the nasty spiral on the ball.